A few months ago, I started writing about my journey to becoming pregnant for my own personal documentation. This is the most personal thing I've ever written about, full of tears, grief, laughter, and above all, hope. It's my journey, and now that I am finally pregnant, I am ready to share it. It's lengthy, so grab a cup of hot chocolate or coffee, curl up, and enjoy my journey.
Friday, September 12,
2014
There is something so desperately I have wanted to write
about, for my own documentation, however it’s a very private matter and I
haven’t wanted to publicize it until now.
Maybe it was out of fear, or lack of courage, or just wanting to keep
this aspect of our lives private, but now I am ready to share. My family and close friends know what I am
going to write about, but that’s it.
This isn’t easy to share, so I am just going to start from the
beginning.
In February 2013, my husband and I happily decided to begin
the journey of making our family of 5 (us, two dogs, and a cat) to a family of
6 (yes, a baby). I went off birth
control and assumed it would take a month or so to get out of my system. A couple months passed, and I wasn’t getting
a period, but I wasn’t pregnant either, which reminded me of the original
reason I went on BC (to regulate my period).
After several months, I was referred to a reproductive endocrinologist
(RE)/infertility specialist, who I contacted in August, six months after we had
begun trying to conceive (TTC), which is the recommended time.
We decided to start with IUI, or intrauterine insemination,
where the doctor regulates your body’s natural cycle, and at the right time,
they insert your partner’s sperm, hopefully achieving fertilization of the egg
and thus an embryo. Turns out I don’t
ovulate naturally and my uterine lining is too thin to shed naturally, hence no
period (uterine lining shedding is what gives a woman a period), and hence no results
on natural fertilization. This was
actually a blessing in disguise, because during one of my routine blood draws
to measure my hormone levels, my RE discovered my platelets were abnormally
low.
Normal platelets are between 150K and 450K, and mine were at
80K. Now remember my Mommy and herMDS…her indicator for the disease was low platelets (hers eventually dropped
severely low to 2K, but we are not here to talk about that). My RE recommended I inform my PCP (primary
care physician) and reach out to my Mom’s oncologist at USC Norris Cancer
Center. Needless to say, I freaked
out. I totally lost it. “I have MDS” “How am I going to tell my
husband” “Shit, how am I going to tell my dad!
He just lost his wife to this!”
All these thoughts were racing through my mind as I heard my blood
results on the phone. I was in
shambles. I was driving home from work,
so I pulled myself together and decided to stop by my Dad’s house and inform
him. I was strong and kept it together
when I told him, and my Dad went into his
freaking-out-but-need-to-do-something-and-try-to-remain-calm-planning
mode: “Well, let me call {our PCP} and
{USC oncologist} right now. We will get
you squared away…we can do a bone marrow transplant and I’m sure one of your
brothers is a match…” He was totally
freaking out, in his own way. I cried,
he planned. He immediately emailed my
Mom’s oncologist while I was there, and she responded right away.
My Mom’s oncologist, Dr. O’Connell, is the best in dealing
with bone marrow failure diseases such as MDS, and she is one of the nicest and
most caring people I’ve ever met. In her
email reply to my Dad, she said she wanted to get me in immediately for blood
work and a bone marrow biopsy. I had
blood work done and scheduled my bone marrow biopsy for October, which was just
a couple weeks away at this point. On
the day of my bone marrow biopsy (10/21/2013), I took two Ativan to help with
anxiety, which made me feel really happy and loopy. I was lying on my tummy and she went into my
hip bone (left side), and Dr. O. numbed the area with seven lidocaine
injections, going deeper into the skin and muscle with each injection. Unfortunately, you can’t numb the bone, and
when she hit the bone with her “drill”, I experienced the worst pain in my
life. Sean said I looked like a wind-up
doll with the drill in my back. Sean
held my hand the entire time, as I was crying and snotting on myself…very
glamorous. Dr. O. started talking to me
and asking about things that make me happy.
I don’t remember this, but she later told me I started talking about our
dogs (breed, names, acts of silliness, etc.).
I was a proud mama talking about my babies. That apparently calmed me down and she was
able to get a good sample of fluid and bone.
In that sample, we learned I have a very rare gene mutation called the
RUNX1 gene in my 21st chromosome, which has a 50% chance of mutating
into either MDS or leukemia. That
explained a lot about my mom, who passed away from MDS and my mom’s mom who
passed away of leukemia. Voila! It’s genetic.
The incredible blessing of learning that I have this gene is that we can
monitor it now with monthly blood draws and determine if it mutates, and it may
never mutate! My mom and grandmother
never had that. However, with knowing I
have the gene passed down from my mom and my grandmother and who knows how many
generations before, we don’t want to pass it on to our kids. The only way to ensure that this gene is
eradicated from the family line was to purse IVF and test each embryo for this
RUNX1 gene.
In light of this news, I updated my RE and we cancelled our
IUI and began the process of IVF. As I
mentioned, the RUNX1 gene is very rare, affecting a mere 300 known people in
the US so the genetic test had not been built.
Therefore, I contacted the genetics lab and my family and I financed the
development of this test. It took six
months to build and a number blood samples from all immediate family members,
both affected and non-affected. During
those six months, I began the first phase of IVF: the stim phase. This included multiple twice-daily injections
in my belly at specific times to stimulate my ovary production and egg
development prior to an egg retrieval surgery.
I felt like a chemist because some of my shots I had to mix myself
before injecting (powder and fluid, fluid and fluid). It was pretty exciting actually. Moreover, let me tell you, the shots didn’t
hurt one bit. I was deathly afraid of
needles before, but I suppose when your desires outweigh your fears, your fears
disappear, and my desire for a baby outweighed my fear of needles by
infinity. I even remember going to Vegas
the Friday after Thanksgiving with my family to celebrate my cousin’s 21st
birthday, and I had my cooler full of my medications and a purse full of
needles. It was kind of hilarious.
After a couple weeks of stims, my ovaries responded very
well so we scheduled my egg retrieval surgery for mid December. Sean took me, and after I put on my hospital
gown and the nurse hooked me up to an IV, the anesthesiologist came over and
nearly cancelled my retrieval because he saw my low platelets on my chart. He came over to me as I’m lying on the gurney
and said, “I’m Dr. So-and-So and I will be your anesthesiologist during your
egg retrieval today. I see your
platelets are at 80. This is very
concerning to me, as I don’t like to anesthetize people under 100
platelets. I don’t recommend this.” He must have seen the “you’re fucking kidding
me” look on my face because he continued, “Have you ever had issues of
bleeding?” I responded no. “Do you clot well?” I responded yes and told him I’ve never had
an issue with ‘bleeding out’ despite my low platelets. I guess that worked for him because he said
we could proceed, but instead of monitoring me for the usual 30 minutes post
retrieval, he wanted to monitor me for two hours. No problem for me…I’d be drugged up anyways
and sleeping most of it (poor hubby…thankfully he brought his Kindle). So they wheeled me back, transferred me to
the OR table, and gave me twilight and I was out.
My egg retrieval went superbly! They retrieved 14 eggs, 11 of which
fertilized, and 8 of which survived beyond fertilization (it’s common once eggs
are fertilized to stop growing and die off).
So we had 8 embryos to test for my RUNX1 gene! With a 50% chance of them having the gene, we
could potentially have 4 healthy embryos to work with. Yay!!!
Sean and I were elated.
Fast forward a couple months to April 2014…the gene test is
complete and they are ready to test our embryos! Turns out, FIVE of our little embies were
unaffected!!! We had FIVE little ones to
work with! Now to begin the second phase
of IVF: prepping my body for embryo
transfer. This is much easier said than
done, as we have learned the hard way.
For some reason I had this fantasy in my head that as soon as the
embryos were tested, we could just stick one back in and I’d be pregnant. Piece of cake right? Wrong!
I had to wait until my next period, at which time I would begin my
protocol. My protocol consisted of one
week of estrogen pills, then adding estrogen patches the second week, and
assuming my uterine lining would reach the ideal thickness of at least 7mm, I’d
begin progesterone shots the third week leading to my embryo transfer. Progesterone shots are intramuscular in the
butt and the liquid is a thick oil-like substance, unlike stims that are
injected into the fatty belly tissue and are a water-like substance.
After three weeks on estrogen, my lining was not close to
the desired thickness so we continued pills and patches. After week five, my lining was still about a
6.2, so we cancelled this cycle. I
stopped taking my estrogen to force my period, which began the start of round
2. During round 2 I followed the same
protocol (pills and patches), and this time my lining was just about 7mm when I
was given the green light to start my progesterone shots and schedule an embryo
transfer!! I was able to give myself my
progesterone shots (2x per day) no problem.
Again, desire over fear. I was
over-the-moon excited!! I was going to
be pregnant finally! The day before my
transfer, I went in for one last ultrasound to check my lining. It had shrunk to a 6.8, but we decided to
proceed with my transfer the following day.
Sean and I went in together, and it was such an incredible
experience. The room was dark and
calming music was playing on the speakers.
The lab tech came in to show us the order that confirmed our embryo transfer
of the top grade embryo as well as a picture of our embryo. It was so cute and was already beginning to
hatch (very common), so it looked like a diamond ring. I laid down on the table and my RE came in,
and walked us through the transfer which we were able to view on a TV screen. We saw on the ultrasound the long straw-like
device that carried our embryo, and we saw my RE drop it onto my lining. It was a very emotional and beautiful
experience. Words fail to describe it. My RE left the room and I laid there for a
little bit while Sean held my hand. I
was put on bed rest for the next three days, during which my dad and cousins
came over to check on me and bring me meals.
I definitely got the royal treatment from my hubby and family. After the three days of bed rest, I could
walk around and move again, but I could not exercise. My blood pregnancy test wasn’t for another
week, so I made plans every day to keep myself distracted. All I wanted to do was pee on a stick, but it
wouldn’t show up in a urine test that quickly, and I didn’t want to jinx
anything.
Ten days after my transfer and multiple evenings out to the
movies and dinner with family and friends, it was the day for my pregnancy
test. It was June 25, two days before my
birthday. I went in first thing in the
morning then headed in to work. This had
to have been the longest day of my life.
After not hearing anything by 4pm, I left work early because I decided I
didn’t want to be at work when I received the news whether it was good or
bad. My iPhone screen had cracked a few
days before, so I decided to head to the iPhone repair store on my way
home. As I pulled into the parking lot,
my phone rang. It was my RE. The second I heard her voice I knew the
answer. I was not pregnant. It didn’t work. My RE sounded so sad for me, yet stayed
hopeful for the next round. She said
this was a fluke and that she’s not sure why it didn’t take, but we will get
there eventually. It took every ounce of
strength I had not to break down on the phone, although my voice was
quivering. We hung up, and tears gushed
out of my eyes. I couldn’t breathe. My heart was broken. I felt as though I had lost a piece of
myself, which in a way, I had. I was
beyond devastated. I texted Sean the
news because I wasn’t able to speak, and he called me immediately. I have no idea what I said to him…I don’t
remember. I do remember after about 30
minutes, maybe 45, I finally walked to the iPhone repair shop and got my phone
fixed. The guy probably thought I had been
crying over my broken phone. I found
that somewhat amusing in this dark moment.
If only he knew. I drove home and
cried into Sean’s arms. We opened a
bottle of wine and just cuddled on the couch.
“Next time” he said, “We will get there, I promise. I love you.”
After our first failed attempt, we decided to take the next
two months off. We celebrated my
birthday two days later on June 27 with a dinner party at our house with family
and close friends, and it turned out to be one of the best birthdays ever. We went to Montana for the 4th of
July and spent a long weekend at my Aunt’s lake house cruising around in the
boat, riding jet skis, swimming in the lake, and putting on the greatest
fireworks show on the lake from our dock.
And finally in August, we traveled to Iceland where we climbed
volcanoes, hiked some of the largest waterfalls in the world, explored black
sand beaches, played with Viking horses, bathed in natural hot springs, and
absorbed all that nature has to offer!!!
It was one of our most favorite trips so far.
After two months of relaxing and traveling, we started round
3 at the beginning of September and following the same protocol (pills,
patches, progesterone). During my
ultrasound the first week, my lining was a whopping 7.7!! I was so thrilled because I still had two
weeks before my tentative transfer so it could thicken even more! When I went back the next week, however, my
lining had shrunk to 6.7. I was
instructed to begin progesterone shots on Sunday as scheduled, but my RE wanted
to see me back on Tuesday. On Tuesday,
my lining from one angle was a mere 5.7, but from another angle it was 7.1,
which is good. It’s odd that it measured
so different from one angle to the other, so they wanted me to come back on
Thursday, which was yesterday. When I
went in, my lining was 6.5, and my RE was not happy with the number, so we
cancelled my transfer, which was supposed to be today. I felt so deflated and hopeless. Another month gone. As I walked out, one of the nurses hugged me
and I started crying. This is such an
emotional rollercoaster, filled with the highest highs and the lowest
lows. I called Sean when I got to my car
and updated him, and he was so sweet and consoling. He told me that tough situations don’t last
but tough people do, and that I’m the toughest person he knows. That definitely helped. My husband is an incredible man, and I love
him with all my heart.
Many tears have been shed during this journey (no thanks to
all the hormones), but there have also been many instances of hope and
joy. Our journey isn’t over, and I won’t
give up until I am holding our sweet baby in my arms. Perseverance is the key to success. We WILL get through this. All of this will just make our sweet little
one that much more loved and special…he/she will be our miracle child. We are going to try again next cycle, which
should begin next week, and this time we are changing my protocol. Instead of the traditional estrogen and
progesterone, we are going to mimic pre-egg retrieval and use stims. Looking back in my chart, my RE saw that my
lining was between 7 and 13 before my egg retrieval, so we are hoping that
stims will be the right “concoction” to which my body will respond. Fingers crossed for a successful October
transfer next month!
Wednesday, October
15, 2014
I am happy to report that my body reacted to the protocol
change! As I previously mentioned, we
switched from the “traditional” protocol to the stims. This included belly injections of Gonal-f
twice a day for about three weeks. After
the first week, my lining was perking up nicely. By the third week, on 10/1, my lining was a
whopping 7.8 (for me this is huge!), and my follicles reached the desired
17-20mm in size! I received the green
light for my transfer, and we scheduled it for the following week on 10/7. The morning of my transfer, I visited my
acupuncturist for a relaxing pre-transfer session. It totally put me in a zen-mood. I was so relaxed and I could feel the blood
and oxygen flowing through my body. I
was ready…my body was ready. After my
acupuncture session, Sean and I drove down to Newport for my 11:45am
appointment. Dr. M did a quick scan to
make sure everything still looked good, and sure enough, it did! My lining was still 7.5 and we all were thrilled. Additionally, Dr. M said my uterus looked so
good and she had superior visibility, one of the best she’s ever seen. The embryologist brought in a picture of our
sweet little embryo, and then she brought in our embryo for Dr. M to
transfer. As I held the picture to my
heart and while wearing three charms given to me by family members, Dr. M
transferred our sweet one into the thickest and cushiest part of my
uterus. After the transfer, I laid there
on the bed for 15 minutes visualizing a successful transfer and praying.
I spent the next 4 days on bed rest, and this time I was
strict about it (last time I’d putz around, get up and make food). This time, Sean, my dad, and my dad’s
girlfriend all made me meals and catered to me on the couch or in my bed. My body felt different this time too. I cramped a lot more this time, which is a
good thing, and I also was insanely fatigued; I was sleeping 10-15 hours a day,
if not more! When I wasn’t sleeping, I
watched romantic comedies and began (and quickly became addicted to) Sons of
Anarchy (I watched 3 seasons!). My bed
rest ended on Friday, so I spent the weekend still relaxing and taking it easy,
including napping a TON!
Now today is Wednesday, and tomorrow is THE DAY. I have an 8am blood pregnancy test. I am going to implore them to please call me
as soon as they get the results. Last
time, Dr. M called me at 5pm…that was the longest day of my life. I hope that they can call me earlier, and I
hope it’s positive. I honestly believe
in my heart that I am pregnant. My body
feels so different…my breasts are unbelievably tender, I’ve had the cramping,
I’m peeing a lot…I’ve just experienced some of the early pregnancy
symptoms. I know the hormones I’m taking
can also cause these, but I choose to believe it’s due to the new life inside me. The stars aligned this time…my lining was
thick, my body was ready, my heart was ready, and the transfer went as smoothly
as possible. Additionally, we
transferred on a full moon, and on a blood moon (full lunar eclipse). A full moon and a blood moon in fertility
both symbolize new beginnings and new life.
I feel it in my heart that I am pregnant. Sometimes the fear creeps in and I become
scared shitless that the call I get will mirror that of last time, but then I
tell myself to cast my fears aside and believe.
I believe, and tomorrow I will know for sure. “Always believe that something wonderful is
about to happen” and I do.
Thursday, October 16,
2014
This morning I went in for my blood test. I am anxiously waiting for the results, which
I should get in the next few hours. I am
so excited and hopeful, but I’m also nervous as hell. All I can do is remain positive and pray that
the call I get will be a “Congratulations, you’re pregnant!” call.
----------------------------------------
Wednesday, November
05, 2014
I’m pregnant!!!! I
got the call on 10/16 while I was out to lunch with my coworker, Michela! We were walking to my car after a great lunch
at Aura Thai, and I saw Dr. Moayeri was calling. I told Michela I had to take it. When I answered, Dr. M said “Hi Maggie it’s
Dr. Moayeri! Good news…your levels looks
great!!!” “What? Does that mean…?” “Yes,” she said, “you’re pregnant!” I started crying and screaming with
excitement. We hung up the phone and as
I was crying and smiling, Michela just looked at me and I could tell she wanted
to ask if I was okay but didn’t want to pry.
I couldn’t contain myself! “I’m
pregnant!” I told her. Her face lit up
with excitement and gave me a huge hug!!
We got in my car so I could take her back to work, and I confessed that
we had been going through IVF for almost two years. There was no way I was going back to work (it was about 2:30pm at this
time). I had a plan! I dropped Michela back at the office, and
went to fulfill my plan to tell Sean. It
took so much strength not to call Sean right away and scream the news to him
over the phone. I wanted to do something
cute to tell him. I stopped at Alin
Party and picked up 10 pink balloons.
When I got home, I rang the doorbell and hid behind the pink
balloons. When Sean answered the door, I
popped my head out from behind the balloons.
It took him a second, but then he said, “Wait, does this mean what I
think it means?” “Yes! It was positive! I’m pregnant!” I exclaimed. He was over the moon!!! He gave me the biggest hug. Then something funny happened. He sat back down on the couch to continue
playing video games and he said with a big smile, “I don’t know what to do
now.” I looked at him and said, “First
of all, stop playing video games and turn off the Xbox! I want to go celebrate!” And he jumped up to get ready. It was hilarious. He was like a deer in the headlights.
While Sean got ready, I called Dad. I’ve never heard Dad so happy before!!! He is so pumped to be a grandpa! I also texted my brothers, Shahana and Mike
(who were in Florence), and Omz and Rach, all of whom are over the moon. Right after my text to Rach she called me and
literally screamed into the phone “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE PREGNANT!! WE’RE PREGNANT TOGETHER!!! Can we celebrate?? Or do you want to be alone?” I told her we’d love to celebrate with them
and invited them to meet us at Simmzy’s.
We had such a fun evening!!! It was
me, Sean, Omz, Rach, and Shamas for a while, then Sam came! He told his boss he had to leave for a family
thing and left early to come celebrate with us J That made me so happy. Soon after Sam joined, Dad and Jodi surprised
us! Dad had previously told me they had
plans at the Club, but decided to cancel and surprise his only daughter
instead! It was awesome! I’ve never seen my Dad so happy, not even on
my wedding day (wedding day now comes second in happiness scale to this day). Even Uncle Gale joined later!! It was such a fun evening!! We were at Simmzy’s for almost 4 hours! Such a perfect day J
A few days after the wonderful news, I went in for a blood
test to check my HCG levels. They were
sky high, and I graduated from blood draws to ultrasounds! So my next appointment, 10/22, at 4 weeks and
5 days pregnant, I had my first ultrasound.
It was incredible. This early in
pregnancy I was told we should only see a little black dot, which is the embryo
sac, and what a perfect black dot it was.
A week later on 10/30 I had another ultrasound, and it was
epic. I saw my baby’s heartbeat for the
first time!! It looked like a little
twinkling light! It was incredible. Her heart beats 100x per minute. I go back tomorrow, 11/6, for my next
ultrasound. She should be a little
bigger, and we should be able to hear the heartbeat. Sean is coming with me to this one because he
doesn’t want to miss hearing our girl’s heart beating J I’m going to ask him to video it on his phone
so we have it. I can’t wait!!
Tuesday, November 25,
2014
This morning I had my weekly ultrasound. I am 9w4d today (I
had to go in early this week because Thursday is Thanksgiving!), and my sweet
little one is measuring perfectly! This
morning was extra special because she was putting on a show for Mommy! She was swimming around and wiggling like
crazy! She is going to be an active girl
just like her Mama. Her head is also
much more distinguishable, and I was able to see her little feet today
too! On the ultrasound, it looked like she
was crossing them. It was so sweet.
Ah! I have so much to be thankful for
this year. After a long journey to get to
this point, we are here, and our sweet angel is developing wonderfully. All my wishes came true. I am so blessed and so lucky to have this
sweet one growing inside me. I already
love her more than words can express. I
can’t wait to feel her move for the first time J For now, I am so happy seeing her move on the
ultrasounds and hearing her heart beat.
Tomorrow I have my first appointment with my OB, since at
week 12, I will be graduating from OC Fertility and transitioning to my
OB. It’s going to be bittersweet. I’ve been with Dr. M and all her staff for a
year and a half, and they are all so wonderful!
Of course, I will visit, and I will be back with them for our second
child. I’m looking forward to meeting my
new OB, Dr. Vanessa Kaleb, tomorrow though.
My OB doesn’t deliver anymore, so she highly recommended Dr. Kaleb. From the reviews I’ve read and word of mouth,
she is very skilled in her field and has great bedside manner (a definite
must). Looking forward to it.
Friday, December 12,
2014
A couple weeks ago, I had my first appointment with my
OB. Turns out, I am a high-risk
pregnancy due to my low platelets, and so I was transferred to the high-risk OB
group. I am now in the best hands
possible with Dr. McNulty in case, God forbid, something goes wrong during my
pregnancy or labor.
More to come!
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